


If I Could Tell Her

by boredomsMuse



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy Were Friends Before Canon Events, Everyone Is Alive, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), M/M, Or at least it can be read that way, Rewrite, Song: If I Could Tell Her (Dear Evan Hansen), This time Evan and Conner were dating, more than friends even
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:34:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25181809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boredomsMuse/pseuds/boredomsMuse
Summary: A rewrite of a certain scene in act one containing a certain song, except this time Conner and Evan were dating pre-canon.
Relationships: Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen & Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 2
Kudos: 60





	If I Could Tell Her

**Author's Note:**

> This can be read as Conner being dead or Conner's alive but in a coma, up to you.
> 
> It exists because I've always thought it'd be interesting to see a version of DEH where Conner and Evan were dating pre-canon but neither is out and Conner really, _really_ doesn't want his family to know so instead of pretending to be his friend, Evan has to pretend they were definitely only friends and not at all dating.
> 
> Anyway I was actually struck with inspiration for his au tonight so here you go. Please enjoy.  
> (Unbetaed)

Evan’s never been in Conner’s room before. He’s never even been to Conner’s house before. It wasn’t worth the risk, they both agreed. It was too likely Conner’s mum would be home and ask questions they didn’t know how to answer.

Now he’s standing in Conner’s room, having to answer questions he really doesn’t know how to answer.

“Why are you in my brother’s room?” Zoe demands.

“Uh…” How does he say ‘because I’ve never been in my boyfriends room before and I guess I just wanted to look around, I don’t know, I’m going through a lot right now’ except without saying any of that. “Just, just reading. I uh, he borrowed this comic off me…” He mumbles, placing the wolverine comic back down. 

“Don’t your parents get upset that you’re here all the time?” Zoe presses and Evan almost laughs. 

“It’s, well, uh, it’s not like, look, it’s,” he takes a step back, moving his hands like that’ll make up for his lack of words. “I’m not here all the time.” 

“This is two nights in a row.” Zoe argues.

“Well, it’s, it’s just my mum and she works all the time, and at nights she’s in class, so.” He manages.

“Class for what?” Zoe asks, arms crossed over his chest. God, is she interrogating him? Does she know? 

“L-legal stuff.” He says.

“What about your dad?” Zoe continues. 

_ What about him? _ Evan wants to say but can’t. Conner would. Conner wouldn’t stress about this. “My dad, uh, he lives in Colorado. He left when I was seven so, I don’t, I don’t think he really cares either.” He says instead, trailing off into a mumble. “Your parents they’re, really great.” 

“They can’t stand each other.” Zoe denies. “They fight all the time.”

“All parents fight.” At least Evan assumes so, that’s what people say right? 

“My dad’s in full denial, he didn’t even cry.” Zoe points out. And wouldn’t Conner laugh at that, Evan thinks. ‘I always said he never cared’, he’d say with that expression he always puts on. The ‘I don’t care’ expression even though he would care. 

“Your uh, your mum was saying she’s making gluten free lasagna for dinner.” He says, trying to change the subject. “That sounds really-”

“Inedible.” Zoe cuts him off and this time Evan does laugh, awkward and tense.

“You’re lucky your mum cooks. My mum and I, we just order pizza most nights.” He says, a little too quickly.

“Well you’re lucky you’re allowed to eat pizza.” Zoe says, matter-of-factly. Conner would have said the same thing. Has said the same thing.

“You uh, you can always come over to mine one night for pizza.” Evan offers before he can stop himself. That was stupid, he shouldn’t have said that. Evan takes a few steps closer to the door, hoping he can make a quick retreat soon.

“You know, you don’t have to keep being so nice.” Zoe frowns. “I mean, if you were really his friend you must hate me. He did.” 

“Huh?” Evan says, looking up from the floor to the younger Murphy sibling. She’s sitting on Conner’s bed now.

“Don’t act like you didn’t know.” Zoe huffs. “Everyone knows that Conner hated me.”

“That’s not it!” Evan says, louder than he meant to. He clears his throat, looking away again. “I, I mean, maybe I’m not right, maybe I misunderstood, but I think he always thought if you could be closer-”

“We won’t close at all.” Zoe mutters.

“No, no, that’s what I mean.” Evan tries again. “He always, he always said that he wished you were. He, he wanted to be.” Well, Evan always got that impression anyway. Conner never actually said that, not that plainly, but still. 

“So you and Conner, you would talk about me?” Zoe asks. She was  _ just  _ interrogating him but somehow this question sounds different. More… vulnerable. More important.

“...Sometimes.” Evan admits. “You know, when he brought it up, uh, which was sometimes. Not like always, just sometimes.” Is he stalling or is he rambling, probably both. He doesn’t want to admit that usually when Conner brought up Zoe it was to complain about her, except for the handful of times he thought about coming out to her.

“Well, uh, what kinds of things did he say?” Zoe mumbles. “Just like, if you remember anything that sticks out. Or whatever. It doesn’t really matter.”

Crap crap crap crap. 

How is he meant to spin this in a good way? Evan’s sure Conner never hated Zoe, but he’s also sure Conner thought he did. That’s not the impression Evan wants to give her.

“He thought you were… awesome.” He eventually claims. This is a terrible idea.

“He thought I was awesome?” Zoe repeats with a soft laugh. “My brother?” Shit, she’s not buying it. Shit.

“Definitely.” Evan doubles down, sitting next to Zoe on the bed.

“How?” Zoe presses. Shit shit shit crap shit.

“Well, uh…” God, Conner didn’t do complimenting  _ anyone _ , what’s he meant to say?

Actually that’s not true… Conner complimented him a few times.

“He said there’s nothing like your smile, sort of subtle and perfect and real.” Evan starts, hoping she doesn’t realize what he’s doing. “He said, you never knew how wonderful that smile could make someone feel.” Okay but he can’t just use things Conner said about him, he has to bring up her too. He definitely brought up non-insults about Zoe, right? 

Oh! Right!

“And he knew, whenever you get bored you cribble stars on the cuffs of your jeans.” Conner actually thought that was a pretty neat idea, but he never wanted to try it because he was sure Zoe would get pissed at him for it.

“And he noticed that you still fill out the quizzes that they put on those teen magazines.” 

_ “Teen magazines have all that lgbta pride in them now, right? She’s definitely cool with it if she’s feeling out the quizzes.”  _ Conner had theorized one afternoon in the orchard.

_ “I don’t know, I don’t read them.” _ Was all Evan had to offer. He should have been better, maybe that…

But he’s getting sidetracked.

“But kept it all inside his head, what he saw he left unsaid.” Evan continues, pushing back his memories. “And though he wanted to, he couldn’t talk to you.” That ones not a lie, even if Conner didn’t know it. At least Evan doesn’t think it is. “He couldn’t find the way, but he would always say,

“‘If I could tell her, tell her everything I see, if I could tell her, how he- uh, she’s everything to me. But we’re a million worlds apart and I don’t know how I would even start.’” Evan quickly brushes past his stumble. Maybe he shouldn’t use the full truth, Conner never did decide to come out to Zoe. Evan’s not about to do it for him.

“Did he say anything else?” Zoe asks, sounding excited. 

“Uh, about you?” Evan stumbles, scrapping his mind for other things.

“Never mind, I don’t really care.” Zoe says, way too quickly. She almost sounds like him. Evan can’t have that.

“No, no, no, he said so many things. I’m just trying to remember the best ones.” He quickly unsures. Uh, what other nice things did Conner say? Well he usually complimented Evan’s hair and didn’t Zoe dye her hair once?

“He thought you looked really pretty-” wait no, Conner wouldn’t phrase it like that for his sister, “er, it looked pretty cool when you put indigo streaks in your hair.”

“He did?” Zoe says, even managing a smile.

“And he wonders how you learned to dance like all the rest of the world isn’t there.” Evan’s pretty sure that was meant to be an insult but he never really got it anyway so it counts. Right?

“But he kept it all inside his head, what he saw he left unsaid.” He left a lot of things unsaid actually. Like how he wasn’t feeling better. 

Evan left a lot of things unsaid too.

“If I could tell her, tell her everything I see. If I could tell her, how she’s everything to me.” Don’t get distracted Evan, don’t think about it.

“But we’re a million worlds apart.” Zoe says it with him this time. If Evan were less caught up in his own memories, he’s feel like he was getting something right.

“And I don’t know how I would even start. If I could tell her.” What would he tell Conner right now, if he could. _No,_ _don’t think about it._

“But what do, when there’s this great divide.” They didn’t have the same problems and sometimes they forgot that, and sometimes Evan’s words got caught in his throat. 

“He just seemed so far away.” Zoe mumbles.

“And what do you do when the distance is too wide.” Sometimes he thought they were polar opposites. The rich kid and the poor kid, the one that couldn’t help but be loud and aggressive, and the one that only knew how to whisper. God, why did Evan get so caught up in that?

“I think I don’t know anything.” Zoe sighs.

“And how do you say I love you.” Conner never said that to Zoe, never said it to any of his family as far as Evan knows.

But he said it to Evan.

And Evan…

“I love you.” Evan never said it back. He never had the guts. They were so different and Evan just couldn’t forget it. He never felt good enough for Conner, never felt like he was even to keep Conner around. And those thoughts always kept three words safely in his throat, where they couldn’t be heard.

“I love you.” If he said them, Evan wonders, would things have been different?

“I love you!” He feels like shouting it now, as if that would make up for not saying it then. “But we’re a million worlds apart, and I don’t how I would even start…” He says, quieter. “If I could tell her… If I could…” 

‘Tell him’.

The words get stuck in his throat, just like those three words always used to.

“I’m sorry.” He says, jolting from the bed. “I have to go.”

He doesn’t think he’s out the door before he starts crying.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're wondering how, in this au, Zoe finding out the emails were faked goes it sometime like this:
> 
> "The emails make it sound like he was getting better, but if he was getting better why did he kill himself, huh?"  
> "I don't know!" Evan shouts as months of stress and mourning coming barrelling up all at once. "I, I thought he was getting better." He whispers. He can't help the hysterical laugh that follows, wiping his eye with the fingers of his broken hand. "But hey, he probably thought I was getting better too."
> 
> That's all, feel free to do with this au as you want, but also please link me


End file.
